My worst enemy- Memories

Do you ever just wander, like you’re walking but you have no destination, you’re looking at something but not looking at it at the same time because you’re thinking deeply about something. And that something doesn’t need to be that important, it could either be like wondering what you’re going to do when you get home or when you miss someone and you’re walking with their memories.

Memories, an eight letter word that can either destroy you or make you the happiest. We all have different kinds of memories, and when youre reading this, there’s already a memory playing at the back of your head.

Memories are peculiar things. We are always told to let go of the past, live in the present and look forward to the future. But, what we do is strange. We hold onto the pieces of the past, try to survive our present and dread our futures. Because our past is the thing that will always be within our mind and we can never change it.

Our bad memories and regrets leave us in a state to where we can never forget. We contemplate continuously what we could have done differently. What would have happened if maybe we just stayed home that day, sometimes even if just miraculously disappeared.

My life. So far, its going nowhere. I travel in a path full of bitter regret, cursed memories. My only sweet escapes lie within my impersonations of being dead. People ask, how can someone so broken, so hurt, so empty. Little did they know that I left pieces of myself inside the people I used to love. I leave my love, happiness and hope in people. I don’t want them to ever feel the way I do because it sucks and no one should have to feel like they aren’t worth anything in this damn world.

The world doesn’t need more people like me. So, I cure them by overwhelming their soul with joy. I know, that, I won’t make me any happier but making someone else happy, helping them feel safe, secure, worthy. It’s worth the pain, even if there’s no gain.

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Does love hurt?

We all know the famous saying of ‘love hurts’. We hear it in songs and we see it being played out in movies. We have been preconditioned into thinking that loving someone means getting hurt, that it isn’t real love unless pain is involved, that our heart must be aching because what we have is the real deal.

Well, I’m here to tell you that this isn’t so. Why? Because when a person has a perception that loving someone equals being in pain, the relationships they then end up in will always and forever will be the source of their unhappiness. It is very important to understand that love does not hurt. Pain is the last thing anyone would ever want to inflict upon someone they love. Love does not hurt. Loneliness hurts, rejection hurts, and losing someone hurts, but love doesn’t hurt. Love isn’t supposed to come with emotional, physical or verbal abuse, it simply cannot exist amongst any of these things.

Love does not hurt you. A person who does not know how to love hurts you. Do not allow people who do not know how to love you, change the definition of love for you. When you settle for less, you will get hurt. When you spend more time crying than you are smiling in your relationship, you will get hurt. Understand that it is not love that comes with pain but loving someone who is incapable of giving love in the first place.

Yes, you may feel sadness and pain every now and then in your relationship but the only reasons you should be feeling those emotions are when you are missing your partner, when your tears are tears of happiness, when someone or something is getting in the way of you being with your partner, and when you see your partner unhappy with something that’s going on in their lives. These are the only reasons you should feel any pain. A person who truly loves you will never allow himself or herself to do something they know will hurt you. If for whichever reason the person you’re with does something hurtful, the moment you communicate your feelings will be the moment they immediately try to change. That is love.

Change the perception that you may have from love being painful to love being all that is wonderful. Love is happiness, acceptance, joy, excitement, growth, passion and complete freedom to be yourself. Do not deprive yourself of the real deal when it comes to love. The moment we start believing that love does not in fact go hand in hand with pain is the moment we will settle for the best and only the best. And ladies, that is what all of us truly deserve.

Lots of love

Sasha❤️

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It’s been ages since I’ve written, hope you liked it❤️

I realized✨

“I don’t trust you easily but when I say’ i trust you’ please don’t make me regret it ”

Trusting someone can be one of the hardest choices especially in relationships cause true intentions are never easily seen.

Many people think that relationships are useless cause most of the times people don’t end up together. I think this isn’t true because relationships give you so many great memories and lessons to remember. If you choose the right person the it’s the best thing that can ever happen to you .Having someone who loves your flaws, who craves you smile, who does things for your happiness is one of the most beautiful feeling in the world.

But sometimes it turns into a mess when you see someones true intentions, when you see why they actually kept you in their lives .Some people do it for physical/sexual pleasure or some people do it because they are lonely and they want someone to stand by them and fight for them and make them smile but once they get back what they lost, you don’t even exist to them. These situations are really messed up and it hurts so much when someone just uses you like that after you give them all your happiness, time, patience, love and trust and you believe whatever they say, you actually they they’ll keep up their promise, you begin to realize that they wont leave you no matter what, you have hopes that one day they’ll be so strong, that they will fight for you, you crave to hear their “love you’s” because it gives you a hope to live.

Sometimes you do so much for a person, that they leave nothing behind but scars on your heart and hand.

People ask me why I self harm. What do I get from self harming. Well, I can ask them the same question, why do people leave you shattering after you’ve done so much for them. What do they get?

Hence, I realized that people are always gonna leave.It’s just a part of life. And it’s going to happen, whether you like it or not. There’s no stopping it.I don’t know why everyone is in a rush to turn away. Why everyone is in such a rush to run. I don’t understand why more people leave rather than stay.

It’s always the ones you don’t expect. The ones you gave your heart too. The ones you told your everything too. It’s always the ones that you care about most that end up walking out. It’s always the ones you love the most, who end up hurting you the deepest.

The first time someone left me, my world turned into a raging storm and I was in the eye of it, in the center of the entire mess. I let that person take me down and destroy parts of me that I will never get back. I let that person tear me to pieces when he left me. I gave him all of that power. I gave him all of that strength to leave me weakened and smaller than ever before.And that’s when I realized, people are going to leave your life.

People who you have loved. People who you have laughed with, who you have shared your world with. People who you never ever expected to betray you.

I’m not a bitter person, but I like to look at situations in a realistic light, rather than sugarcoating it with false hope. And after someone who meant the world to me left me behind,  I think a part of me had to become more wary. I had to become smarter with the people I connected with. I had to make better choices.

But I’ve had enough people leave, to start to recognize that not everyone will love me. Not everyone will root for me, or cheer me on. Not everyone will have a permanent place beside me, or inside of my heart.Not everyone I meet is going to want to stay.So I have to let go of the notion that love conquers all. That love is like glue. That love fixes everything. That love makes people not ever, ever leave.

Because the truth of the matter is, people are always going to run. Some people are always going to want the next best thing, no matter who you are or what you give them.

Some people aren’t ever meant to stay.And maybe that’s ok.

Because maybe in their leaving, we gain ourselves.

It’s been ages since I wrote, I know, I’m sorry and I’ll be posting regularly now❤️

Also I’d like to thank meeran for helping me with this blog, credits to himmm😂❤️

Do share your thoughts so that we could collaborate too✨

Lots of love

Sasha❤️

To be gone

As a kid, more than anything, I wanted to grow up. I had these false expectations and ideas about high school and what being a teenager was like. I swore I’d never drink, smoke, sneak out, or roam with guys. Never once had I imagined the things to come in the following years.

Sadly, I ended up doing all the things I swore I never would as a kid.

We all loose our innocence and we became aware of the sick reality that is life. I sometimes wish I never lost mine.

You grow up and start resenting the parents you once idolized. You realize that they are ordinary people and that they have flaws. You become aware of how fucked up and full of hatred the world is.

You start noticing “ugly” things about your body that you will obsess about for years to come. You begin starving yourself to achieve an impossible level of perfection so that the boys in your class will find you pretty. You unscrew the blade from your hello kitty pencil sharpener and used it to carve the words fat into your wrist because bleeding the pain is the only way you escape the emotional turmoil brewing inside of you. You begin feeling like getting out of bed is harder than moving mountains and plastering a smile on your face is easier than explaining your tears.

You let boys play with your feelings because you feel as though you are not worthy of better. You push away every single person in your life because you have convinced yourself that you are unlovable.

You feel so dead inside that the only way out is to actually be dead.

When people ask me about my depression, they usually ask me if I’m suicidal. This is a question to which the answer is both yes and no. I don’t think I could ever end my life because I’m a weak person and I have a family to think about. I have a sister who’s ten years old and the thought of my parents having to tell her I’m dead sickens me. I don’t want to imagine all my friends and relatives standing at my grave blaming themselves for something that was completely out of their control.

Yet most days I fall asleep wishing I wouldn’t wake up, that I could be part of some sort of freak accident and die. I know how selfish that sounds, I know that there are so many people dying out there that pray for their lives and I want to throw mine away.

The truth is I’m helpless. I want to smile and feel everything. I want to believe and trust everyone. I want to still believe that angels exist and I still want to laugh like a child. The person I used to be is long gone. That girl who cared about school and what her parents thought of her. That girl who laughed and looked forward to her life. She wanted to achieve so many things, she wanted to grow up and live a fulfilling life.

There are days where I'm so positive about life. Where I feel so strong, so blessed and so happy but then this thought appears that my happiness never lasts for a long time. There are days where I feel so free, so loved, so beautiful. And then there are those days where I just want to sleep and cry and let everything out. Where I want to hold nothing but the blade in my hand and seeing me hurt myself. Where I wanna scream and yell at people. Where I want to run away, hide, jump, die.

Blogging has been my escape. Where I actually note down what I feel. I've been going through these emotions so much that I had to actually meet a doctor. A psychiatrist. I am on medications and trust me I was so shocked. I felt like everything was apart. I was my parents happy child. The coolest daughter they'd have and it tore them apart.

We all have our small little escape. We all have our insecurities. We all have our little happiness. We all have something we fear of losing. We have our few little days in this world where half of the time is spent on hate or fame or blame or etc.

Sometimes the pain is so fucking unbearable it makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs. Just so some one, will hear me and tell me it’s going to be okay, that there’s more to life than all of this. I want to be reassured that life gets better. That my entire life isn’t going to be this black hole of sadness and anxiety that I can only escape with a blade or a bottle. 

And the only thing that I hear everyday is "Be gone".

Never had; Always have💫

There are some things that people long for; everyone has something or someone they can never have. Some things you can see and grasp, but it was never meant to be. Sometimes, things you will never have is something someone will always have. One thing always leads to another. A fight can lead to a break up and a smile can lead to a friendship. Something that I've always wanted was to be able to trust and rely on one another. I've been betrayed, hurt, broken hearted, depressed, and looked down on, but there were those times that I felt happy, wanted, and praised. I've been bought many things, but is that really what I want? Nothing can buy happiness; true happiness is full of emotion and joy. Is that too much to ask for? Or is it something that I am preventing from myself?

Destroy what destroys you

There are times where we love someone so much, they we give them everything. Love, Attention, Time, Everything. And we don't get anything in return neither do we expect anything In return. We just want them to be ours. We keep them as our first priority and we expect them to keep us as their first priority too. But they don't. We're never their first priority. Infact, we don't even come in their "priority" list. We come in their "use and throw" list.

When we give everything to someone and they leave, leaving us completely empty. We're lost. We don't know where to go and we blAme ourselves. We hurt ourselves. Bu cutting, no eating, crying, losing ourselves. And this is our problem. We never destroy the pain before the pain destroys us. We let it take over us.

It hurts us to see them so happy. But yet you trying moving on, finding that same person in every new person you meet. And when you can't find them you leave them. "How can they be happy?" The only question in your brain. But later you move on, cause they were your first priority and seeing them happy it makes you feel weak. Not because you're jealous, but because someone else is the reason they're smiling, that they're happy without you, and that your presence doesn't matter anymore.

And you finally move on. You find new better people. Who know you. Who accept you. And love you. Even though they know you're hurt and lost, they help you find your happiness. And when they see you doing well, they come back. As much as you want them back, you don't want them back. Things won't be the same. And you will never know their intention. And the second time, you leave them. And it ends. Everything's gone In a spilt second.

You didn't want to leave them. But they destroyed you once, and we don't deserve to be destroyed more than once. We should know what we deserve. Even if we've made mistakes, intentionally or not, we don't deserve to be treated like shit.

There were times when I used to stand by all my friends. Always fighting for them. Always keeping 23/24 hours only for them. Their happiness mattered. I used to make a fool of myself so that I could hear their laughs I could see their smiles shining and I would be on cloud nine. And one day, they'd just leave. Probably cause I'm boring. And I used to cry In the dark corner of my room. Hoping someone would reach out and bring me out of this darkness. No one did. And one day in that same dark corner I saw sun rays falling from my window. And I smiled. And that's when I asked myself "do I deserve this?" I got up, washed my face and held myself stronger.

Strong. It's a very powerful word. Weak. Is a very very powerful word. No one really knows our worth other than ourselves. People can get to know us but not our worth. No one knows what we deserve. And no one in this world deserves to be treated like crap. We might lose a lot of people and trust me it's worth it. People who love you will stick to you, rest are like flies, always wandering and spreading dirt.

That's exactly why I keep saying "do what makes YOU happy" no ones gonna stay by your side no matter how many times they say "I'm never gonna leave you" or even if they promise. They'll all leave. And those who don't, treasure them. But treasure yourself first. Always keep in mind, destroy what destroys you.

(This was on the spot, will be editing soon.)

Lots of love
Sasha ❤️

Be with me

HAAI, this is gonna be a temporary post and will edit it soon💫

You know the times when you want to tell the person you love about what you're going through, you wanna vent everything out and you actually write a huge ass paragraph but then you delete it because you know they won't understand. And even if they do, they'll either give you a solution or console you that it won't happen again. But it happens again and again and then one day you just give up.

Some days you feel you're the luckiest human on earth. You have your best friends, your family, your smile and you're the happy and the next day they're all gone. Gone to someone better. And when you think of it, this hasn't happened once but plenty of times. But you gotta stay strong and make new friends and see them be like the rest every time.

There are days when you'll have plenty of people telling you how perfect and beautiful you are, you'll have people promising they'll never let you go and then some days they leave and then go far away from you and you have sleepless nights thinking what did you do for them to leave you. What did you do for them to never retire. What did you do ? And they return because they have no one with them and you're like a replacement for them and it shatters you and tears you apart.

There are some people who've stood by you through thick and thin, but they also leave. There're physically there with you but mentally they're busy with someone else. You wait for them to message you because you feel like if you keep messaging them you'll be annoying so you wait for them. You wait for minutes. Minutes turn to hours then months then years and then it's over. You've lost and the others win.

" They win. You're a loser " the words I hear everyday. Every second. The one which make me give me. Which makes me feel like I don't deserve to live, that death is my escape. And they won't care cause they've got someone better than me and I hope they don't treat them the same they treated me.

💫