I realized✨

“I don’t trust you easily but when I say’ i trust you’ please don’t make me regret it ”

Trusting someone can be one of the hardest choices especially in relationships cause true intentions are never easily seen.

Many people think that relationships are useless cause most of the times people don’t end up together. I think this isn’t true because relationships give you so many great memories and lessons to remember. If you choose the right person the it’s the best thing that can ever happen to you .Having someone who loves your flaws, who craves you smile, who does things for your happiness is one of the most beautiful feeling in the world.

But sometimes it turns into a mess when you see someones true intentions, when you see why they actually kept you in their lives .Some people do it for physical/sexual pleasure or some people do it because they are lonely and they want someone to stand by them and fight for them and make them smile but once they get back what they lost, you don’t even exist to them. These situations are really messed up and it hurts so much when someone just uses you like that after you give them all your happiness, time, patience, love and trust and you believe whatever they say, you actually they they’ll keep up their promise, you begin to realize that they wont leave you no matter what, you have hopes that one day they’ll be so strong, that they will fight for you, you crave to hear their “love you’s” because it gives you a hope to live.

Sometimes you do so much for a person, that they leave nothing behind but scars on your heart and hand.

People ask me why I self harm. What do I get from self harming. Well, I can ask them the same question, why do people leave you shattering after you’ve done so much for them. What do they get?

Hence, I realized that people are always gonna leave.It’s just a part of life. And it’s going to happen, whether you like it or not. There’s no stopping it.I don’t know why everyone is in a rush to turn away. Why everyone is in such a rush to run. I don’t understand why more people leave rather than stay.

It’s always the ones you don’t expect. The ones you gave your heart too. The ones you told your everything too. It’s always the ones that you care about most that end up walking out. It’s always the ones you love the most, who end up hurting you the deepest.

The first time someone left me, my world turned into a raging storm and I was in the eye of it, in the center of the entire mess. I let that person take me down and destroy parts of me that I will never get back. I let that person tear me to pieces when he left me. I gave him all of that power. I gave him all of that strength to leave me weakened and smaller than ever before.And that’s when I realized, people are going to leave your life.

People who you have loved. People who you have laughed with, who you have shared your world with. People who you never ever expected to betray you.

I’m not a bitter person, but I like to look at situations in a realistic light, rather than sugarcoating it with false hope. And after someone who meant the world to me left me behind,  I think a part of me had to become more wary. I had to become smarter with the people I connected with. I had to make better choices.

But I’ve had enough people leave, to start to recognize that not everyone will love me. Not everyone will root for me, or cheer me on. Not everyone will have a permanent place beside me, or inside of my heart.Not everyone I meet is going to want to stay.So I have to let go of the notion that love conquers all. That love is like glue. That love fixes everything. That love makes people not ever, ever leave.

Because the truth of the matter is, people are always going to run. Some people are always going to want the next best thing, no matter who you are or what you give them.

Some people aren’t ever meant to stay.And maybe that’s ok.

Because maybe in their leaving, we gain ourselves.

It’s been ages since I wrote, I know, I’m sorry and I’ll be posting regularly now❤️

Also I’d like to thank meeran for helping me with this blog, credits to himmm😂❤️

Do share your thoughts so that we could collaborate too✨

Lots of love

Sasha❤️

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To be gone

As a kid, more than anything, I wanted to grow up. I had these false expectations and ideas about high school and what being a teenager was like. I swore I’d never drink, smoke, sneak out, or roam with guys. Never once had I imagined the things to come in the following years.

Sadly, I ended up doing all the things I swore I never would as a kid.

We all loose our innocence and we became aware of the sick reality that is life. I sometimes wish I never lost mine.

You grow up and start resenting the parents you once idolized. You realize that they are ordinary people and that they have flaws. You become aware of how fucked up and full of hatred the world is.

You start noticing “ugly” things about your body that you will obsess about for years to come. You begin starving yourself to achieve an impossible level of perfection so that the boys in your class will find you pretty. You unscrew the blade from your hello kitty pencil sharpener and used it to carve the words fat into your wrist because bleeding the pain is the only way you escape the emotional turmoil brewing inside of you. You begin feeling like getting out of bed is harder than moving mountains and plastering a smile on your face is easier than explaining your tears.

You let boys play with your feelings because you feel as though you are not worthy of better. You push away every single person in your life because you have convinced yourself that you are unlovable.

You feel so dead inside that the only way out is to actually be dead.

When people ask me about my depression, they usually ask me if I’m suicidal. This is a question to which the answer is both yes and no. I don’t think I could ever end my life because I’m a weak person and I have a family to think about. I have a sister who’s ten years old and the thought of my parents having to tell her I’m dead sickens me. I don’t want to imagine all my friends and relatives standing at my grave blaming themselves for something that was completely out of their control.

Yet most days I fall asleep wishing I wouldn’t wake up, that I could be part of some sort of freak accident and die. I know how selfish that sounds, I know that there are so many people dying out there that pray for their lives and I want to throw mine away.

The truth is I’m helpless. I want to smile and feel everything. I want to believe and trust everyone. I want to still believe that angels exist and I still want to laugh like a child. The person I used to be is long gone. That girl who cared about school and what her parents thought of her. That girl who laughed and looked forward to her life. She wanted to achieve so many things, she wanted to grow up and live a fulfilling life.

There are days where I'm so positive about life. Where I feel so strong, so blessed and so happy but then this thought appears that my happiness never lasts for a long time. There are days where I feel so free, so loved, so beautiful. And then there are those days where I just want to sleep and cry and let everything out. Where I want to hold nothing but the blade in my hand and seeing me hurt myself. Where I wanna scream and yell at people. Where I want to run away, hide, jump, die.

Blogging has been my escape. Where I actually note down what I feel. I've been going through these emotions so much that I had to actually meet a doctor. A psychiatrist. I am on medications and trust me I was so shocked. I felt like everything was apart. I was my parents happy child. The coolest daughter they'd have and it tore them apart.

We all have our small little escape. We all have our insecurities. We all have our little happiness. We all have something we fear of losing. We have our few little days in this world where half of the time is spent on hate or fame or blame or etc.

Sometimes the pain is so fucking unbearable it makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs. Just so some one, will hear me and tell me it’s going to be okay, that there’s more to life than all of this. I want to be reassured that life gets better. That my entire life isn’t going to be this black hole of sadness and anxiety that I can only escape with a blade or a bottle. 

And the only thing that I hear everyday is "Be gone".

Never had; Always have💫

There are some things that people long for; everyone has something or someone they can never have. Some things you can see and grasp, but it was never meant to be. Sometimes, things you will never have is something someone will always have. One thing always leads to another. A fight can lead to a break up and a smile can lead to a friendship. Something that I've always wanted was to be able to trust and rely on one another. I've been betrayed, hurt, broken hearted, depressed, and looked down on, but there were those times that I felt happy, wanted, and praised. I've been bought many things, but is that really what I want? Nothing can buy happiness; true happiness is full of emotion and joy. Is that too much to ask for? Or is it something that I am preventing from myself?

Destroy what destroys you

There are times where we love someone so much, they we give them everything. Love, Attention, Time, Everything. And we don't get anything in return neither do we expect anything In return. We just want them to be ours. We keep them as our first priority and we expect them to keep us as their first priority too. But they don't. We're never their first priority. Infact, we don't even come in their "priority" list. We come in their "use and throw" list.

When we give everything to someone and they leave, leaving us completely empty. We're lost. We don't know where to go and we blAme ourselves. We hurt ourselves. Bu cutting, no eating, crying, losing ourselves. And this is our problem. We never destroy the pain before the pain destroys us. We let it take over us.

It hurts us to see them so happy. But yet you trying moving on, finding that same person in every new person you meet. And when you can't find them you leave them. "How can they be happy?" The only question in your brain. But later you move on, cause they were your first priority and seeing them happy it makes you feel weak. Not because you're jealous, but because someone else is the reason they're smiling, that they're happy without you, and that your presence doesn't matter anymore.

And you finally move on. You find new better people. Who know you. Who accept you. And love you. Even though they know you're hurt and lost, they help you find your happiness. And when they see you doing well, they come back. As much as you want them back, you don't want them back. Things won't be the same. And you will never know their intention. And the second time, you leave them. And it ends. Everything's gone In a spilt second.

You didn't want to leave them. But they destroyed you once, and we don't deserve to be destroyed more than once. We should know what we deserve. Even if we've made mistakes, intentionally or not, we don't deserve to be treated like shit.

There were times when I used to stand by all my friends. Always fighting for them. Always keeping 23/24 hours only for them. Their happiness mattered. I used to make a fool of myself so that I could hear their laughs I could see their smiles shining and I would be on cloud nine. And one day, they'd just leave. Probably cause I'm boring. And I used to cry In the dark corner of my room. Hoping someone would reach out and bring me out of this darkness. No one did. And one day in that same dark corner I saw sun rays falling from my window. And I smiled. And that's when I asked myself "do I deserve this?" I got up, washed my face and held myself stronger.

Strong. It's a very powerful word. Weak. Is a very very powerful word. No one really knows our worth other than ourselves. People can get to know us but not our worth. No one knows what we deserve. And no one in this world deserves to be treated like crap. We might lose a lot of people and trust me it's worth it. People who love you will stick to you, rest are like flies, always wandering and spreading dirt.

That's exactly why I keep saying "do what makes YOU happy" no ones gonna stay by your side no matter how many times they say "I'm never gonna leave you" or even if they promise. They'll all leave. And those who don't, treasure them. But treasure yourself first. Always keep in mind, destroy what destroys you.

(This was on the spot, will be editing soon.)

Lots of love
Sasha ❤️

Be with me

HAAI, this is gonna be a temporary post and will edit it soon💫

You know the times when you want to tell the person you love about what you're going through, you wanna vent everything out and you actually write a huge ass paragraph but then you delete it because you know they won't understand. And even if they do, they'll either give you a solution or console you that it won't happen again. But it happens again and again and then one day you just give up.

Some days you feel you're the luckiest human on earth. You have your best friends, your family, your smile and you're the happy and the next day they're all gone. Gone to someone better. And when you think of it, this hasn't happened once but plenty of times. But you gotta stay strong and make new friends and see them be like the rest every time.

There are days when you'll have plenty of people telling you how perfect and beautiful you are, you'll have people promising they'll never let you go and then some days they leave and then go far away from you and you have sleepless nights thinking what did you do for them to leave you. What did you do for them to never retire. What did you do ? And they return because they have no one with them and you're like a replacement for them and it shatters you and tears you apart.

There are some people who've stood by you through thick and thin, but they also leave. There're physically there with you but mentally they're busy with someone else. You wait for them to message you because you feel like if you keep messaging them you'll be annoying so you wait for them. You wait for minutes. Minutes turn to hours then months then years and then it's over. You've lost and the others win.

" They win. You're a loser " the words I hear everyday. Every second. The one which make me give me. Which makes me feel like I don't deserve to live, that death is my escape. And they won't care cause they've got someone better than me and I hope they don't treat them the same they treated me.

💫

Athazagoraphobia

July 31st, 11:30pm
 
Sometimes I feel like giving up and running away. Sometimes I wish  I could follow the advice I give people. Sometimes I just wanna be myself and let go of everything. Sometimes I feel like I just don’t want to pretend to be strong. And sometimes I want to scream and tell people that they matter and that  I cant keep pretending that it doesn’t. Sometimes I think that sometimes death is the only way to end pain and hurt and betrayal.  Yet I keep hoping. Hoping that maybe if I hold myself together, everything will turn right. Hoping that everything happens for the best. Hoping that I might find my lost friend I once had full faith in and loved them in the crowd.
 
Sometimes you tell somebody so much about yourself that they actually get to know you a lot. They know that what you like and what you hate. Yet they chose to do things that break you, that tear you apart, that will never help you get yourself back together. Yet you hope that maybe they’ll come to fix you, maybe they’ll come and make things right. But no. infact they replace you and move on. Moving on, something that you’ve taught them to do but they test that on you.
 
We often tell somebody so much about us that we tend to lose ourselves. We tend to depend on them so much like they are our heartbeat. Youre nothing without them and you need them ever millisecond or else, you will lose yourself forever just like a dead body ready to be buried.
 

What do you do when you fix a broken glass. We try to decorate and make it look perfect and nice. In the same way, we sometimes make a broken person our best friend and we mend it. We stay by their sides;always supporting them, standing by them and we eventually fix them. We often try to express ourselves thinking somebody will understand us, maybe put themselves in our shoes, but they are often so busy making their life perfect, and when theyre perfect, they don’t need us anymore, they need someone better. We realize that nobody understands us except us.
 
Somedays, I have sleepless nights. Thinking about whether they're doing ok, whether it was my fault that we parted, whether it was my fault that I kept my ego higher than them, but when I wake up with tears rolling down my cheeks, I see them so happy, smiling, laughing, enjoying and this tears me apart.
 
 
Sometimes you feel like you know them and the next moment you don’t even know who they are. Some days they tell you how you matter to them and the rest of the days youre just another tissue paper in the box, waiting to be used.
 
Friendships are unique relationships because unlike family relationships, we choose to enter into them. We let them break us, love us. We give them their rights.

He’ll be a memory I will carry with me until I die. I, one day, will tell my children about him and how he changed he taught me not to trust anyone easily, not to keep others over ourselves and we should always be our first priority and no one else. Probably he’ll be one of the best and worst memory I'll carry till my grave.

Let’s make a change

Haaai ❤️

I had asked two questions on Instagram two days back. Why? Because I wanted to know what each one of us wanted to spread across the world.

Most of us, only talk. We only talk and try to act all intelligent. But does anyone do what they say. No. No one does it.

Yeah, you must be thinking "we're too young to think about all this" or "I have better things to do" or "I wanna focus of myself". How selfish could we be at times ? Only when we are hurt we will fight. Only when one of us suicides we will be careful. "Only when one of I get called a slut I will fight". If others get called who cares right?

I don't want that. Yes, I probably won't be able to change people. I can't read peoples mind and or even change their views. But I can give them an option to chose. I can improve their way of thinking. There's no harm in trying right?

Now let me tell you what I want to do. Many of us, are not really living. We're just breathing. We're just too worried about what people will think. E.g "what if I don't wear make up today and someone from school sees me, they'll go around telling I'm ugly" or "i want skydive but I'm scared" or "he left me. There's definitely something wrong with me." Or "I have no luck. Life is so fucked up. I don't wanna live".

I wanna spread love. I wanna change people's way of thinking about life. I won't be able to do this alone for sure. But I'm gonna try my level best with the help of my blog. I'm gonna express myself a lot there and help each one of us, me also maybe. We all need people standing by us. Let's make this a better place to live in. It's now or never and I hate regrets 🙂

So can we make this change happen together ? Let's do one good thing that made someone happy. It doesn't have to be a BIG one. It can be complimenting someone or helping your mom or anything. Let's find happiness in someone else's happiness and not for our benefits.

Please do come up and tell me how does it make you feel and do share your ideas with me. Thank you. (Please ignore the grammatical errors. )

Lots of love
Sasha❤️